Sunday 30 June 2013

Billy and Me, chapter 8


We're going to mix it up for chapter eight, because Billy and Me is doing my head in. Technically, I'm not recapping ... I'm leaving it to Carter and Lambrini.

If you're new to this, they're the main characters in my writing. I make no apologies for whatever Carter comes out with, but you'll probably agree it's not far off what I'd say on this. Lambrini ... she'll probably make you guys tolerate this more. I don't know, she's a bit of a weird one. So ... guys?

Carter: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're on it.

Lambrini: Not exactly thrilled to be reading a book, but since you said it was only a chapter-

Carter: She's given us the long one. Not the four page treat she did last week.

Lambrini: Typical!

Carter: Yup. So ... Billy and Me. This is a book about a chick meeting a famous actor and they fall in love? Has this chick gone on fanfiction.net?

Lambrini: Becki says you can't use real life people on there. Maybe Giovanna thinks that makes her different?

Carter: Because that's how you start different. So ... the chapter starts by talking about the excitement of the day before. What was the excitement again?

Lambrini: She made national news! Or maybe because her mum was tidying up out of depression?

Carter: *eyes Lambrini suspiciously*

Lambrini: I was always tidy, don't go pulling that bullshit with me. Floordrobes are gross, all your clothes end up smelling of feet.

Carter: Anyway, Sophie - that's who Siobhan said was the lead character right? - Sophie talks about not being able to sleep again. What was Siobhan saying about starting and ending chapters on sleeping? It's getting really tacky.

Lambrini: And you'd know from tacky.

Carter: Sure, I just have to look at my BFF.

Lambrini: *shoves Carter's shoulder*

Carter: What was that? Was that meant to hurt? Anyway, Sophie thinks that insomnia at one in the morning means it's acceptable to go surfing for gossip on yourself. No, that's when you put your headphones in and rudetube.

Lambrini: You would rudetube.

Carter: So would you *winks* so Sophie searches for "Billy Buskin Sophie" and since I'm now in rudetube mode ... is that some kind of ass play?

Lambrini: *muttering* You're some kind of ass play.

Carter: The search only gets 243 hits, so obviously he's big news.

Lambrini: With all the facebook and twitter and tumblr and blogs out there?

Carter: All the gossip columns and official sites ... 243 is not a huge number. 243 wouldn't even bother Google. After three links you'd find old articles about this famous dude that are probably by Sophie Smith or some shit.

Lambrini: I like this bit "It's even made the news in India, Australia and the States." Because isn't he meant to be famous in Hollywood? So wouldn't they want to know?

Carter: Love how it's mind blowing. Maybe she doesn't have much mind to blow?

Lambrini: Are you still in rudetube mode?

Carter: So anyway ... the searches are just basically all the articles from the day before. But with comments. Is this the point where Siobhan would jam in a Mean Girls gif? Because that sounds like the burn book scene.

 
Lambrini: What's Mean Girls?

Carter: You know, there's not watching TV a lot because there's no decent shows, and there's being socially retarded. You just crossed the borderline. Ask Sky or Becki. As for this book, Sophie reads the comments, and the ones put up are stupid and mean and not even well thought out. I've been on gossip slam sites before with Fearn, they have far more imagination. They make me laugh ... this is just pitiful.

Lambrini: She mentions there are nice comments too, but then she dismisses them. What's that about? They 'don't carry the same weight as the rest'.

Carter: Nice comments mean you can't hate the people who wish they were you, I guess.

Lambrini: Okay, now this is something I don't like, she's saying all these girls are picking up on her insecurities. So she's ordinary, and not tiny, and has no dress sense and shouldn't eat cake. Didn't Siobhan say she works with cakes? That's stupid. The whole lot of it is stupid.

Carter: Are you seriously telling me you don't have basic girl insecurities?

Lambrini: Thanks for the misogyny, but that's not what I meant. Siobhan said this girl is meant to be  girl-next-door and normal and nice, but then that's what she wishes she could change. I don't get that, do you get that?

Carter: I think I get you, like she's selling this idea that famous people just want some normality and that she is that normality but then somehow it's not enough?

Lambrini: Exactly! Is this what Siobhan means when she talks about Sophie being a Mary Sue? Because I don't get it, you can't say you're some type of perfect and then not want to be that type of perfect even though that's what you're trying to sell me on!

Carter: This is why you don't read isn't it? I think you just broke.

Lambrini: There's nothing even valid in it! There's no one she knows telling her that she's awful and doesn't deserve him, just nameless people on the net who vent like that to blow off some steam!

Carter: Giovanna Fletcher, you owe me for making Lamb talk exclusively in exclamation marks.

Lambrini: And the next bit! It's somehow more of a truth from when she was insecure about it if someone she's never met has sat there and torn her apart!

Carter: So ... every time Siobhan confuses Justin Bieber with Miley Cyrus ... does that make them more confused?

Lambrini: You're an ass, and that's good music.

Carter: I give up with you. We get some more rant about how this famous actor will go off with an 'A-lister' whatever the hell that is and how she's not worthy of her man. *beat* Do girls ever think that?

Lambrini: I have never thought that about any guy I've been with.

Carter: I don't get that, and not just because of Claudia and how she would never define her self-worth by my opinion. Surely a relationship can't function if one of you constantly feels less worthwhile than the other person and spends all their time trying to impress the other person. You're not in a real relationship if that's the basis, because they're not falling for you. I don't get this. And it can't be a British chick thing, because you're saying it's bullshit.

Lambrini: I am saying it's bullshit.

Carter: This girl is seriously emo. I'm going to paste a bit of her self-depreciating rant. This is why Twilight is shit, who wants to read about the internal world of a main character when you get crap like this:

Over the past month have we both been delusional? Billy has been outside of his glitzy world and thrust into a perfect little country life. But is there really any longevity in it? Seriously? Filming finishes in a matter of weeks, and with that Billy will pack his bags and head back to his previous life. Is there really any place for me in that world? Of course not. I've been foolish to think otherwise.

Lambrini: Did she just call her life perfect?

Carter: Of all the crappy bits of that inner monologue, you pick up on that?

Lambrini: Yes, because look what she's actually saying. She's saying her life is perfect, her presence makes his perfect, and he'll have to revert to the past when their time together is over. She's saying that she's a welcome break in the monotony of his life. She's saying he'll just have to burden himself with fame and glamour when he's left her behind, but they're empty in comparison to her.

Carter: Girls read too much into everything.

Lambrini: What did you have a problem with in that bit?

Carter: Well, okay, Claude does auditions and stuff all the time, sometimes modelling, sometimes acting-

Lambrini: Doesn't surprise me-

Carter: And I've been to those auditions. The waiting rooms are hot and crowded and full of backstabbing. The rooms they audition in a shabby little holes that get rented out on the cheap. Our school is more updated than some of these places. The glamour she's talking about? That's set dressing, that's what they shove on the models and actors, and where they shove them when the cameras are pointing their way. There is nothing glamorous in it.

Lambrini: Which would work with what I was saying, if that was on the paper. But it's not.

Carter: And the fuck with the needy? The whole 'where do I fit in when he leaves' bit? Sometimes, things aren't meant to last. Sometimes, you should just embrace what you have.

Siobhan: *barging in* sorry guys, but something I feel I should add in, which I noticed when I left uni and high school and stuff. You won't have experienced it yet, but as I've gone on in life, I've noticed it's the people you worry about staying in contact with that you won't. On some subconscious level, you know that they're not going to stick around. The people you don't worry about? They're golden, because you know they're not going to leave you. I got a horrible sense when I read that bit, because it sounds like a set up for something that's just not going to come up, and it hurt my head. And that's why you two are doing this.

Carter: I hate you.

Siobhan: I can live with that. I'm going now, but first *gives Carter a plate of bacon, and Lambrini some Sour Patch Kids*

Lambrini: She knows how to work us *rips into the candy*

Carter: Hmmmmm ... depends on how good the bacon is.

Lambrini: She makes a good point though, this almost feels like what Das-Mervin call a dead herring, because it's setting up for tension that's not going to happen.

Carter: Because drama is hard to write, I guess.

Lambrini: Do you know what as well? I like mcfly, and there's a song called foolish on their last album, and now it is stuck in my head and it feels like she did it on purpose, like a set up. The lyrics are something like 'foolish for me to think/she wouldn't leave by December/foolish to let misery/let her fall apart in autumn/driving down a one-way street/no u-turn to get back to me/running close to empty but I/I'll never say goodbye.' And Tom sings it high. Really high.

Carter: I'm surprised Siobhan hasn't been trying to spot more lyric inserts. But maybe this is making her feel dead inside, like it is with me *eats some bacon* and this is cold. Bitch.

Lambrini: So the next bit is Sophie waking up to her alarm clock and she's even more emo, talking about laying 'underneath a thick blanket of emptiness' and how she aches and everything is swollen and sore. She's talking about staying in bed for the rest of her life.

Carter: So 'hey, this is textbook depression because people can see I am who I tell you I am'?

Lambrini: Now, when I moved to live next to you, I was completely crushed. Not because of you, or any of your brothers-

Carter: Are you sure?

Lambrini: It's because of why we moved. And yes, I couldn't stop crying for a while, and yes I took to my bed, but not all day, and not because someone said something mean about me. That's all this is, she wants to stay in bed forever because someone called her fat.

Carter: My experience with depression is different too. Bi-polar. And manic episodes are far scarier. And even though I don't know why they were bi-polar, I know it was a lot more valid a reason than some comment about work-clothes.

Lambrini: Exactly. This is stupid.

Carter: So she calls in sick, and goes into full out 'I'm attention whoring, because I'm soooo depressed' mode, hiding under the covers and then she gets woken up ... so did she dream all that?

Lambrini: And did we just get almost five pages of her going to bed and then getting up? That's so freaking boring. I hate books. You read, and I'll comment.

Carter: Because that's what I do, I carry people when they can't be fucked.

Lambrini: I know Becki does your homework for you sometimes, so go to hell.

Carter: I hate when you point out my hypocrisy. So the door goes and she goes running out of bed because that's what you do when you're sick, and lo, there's Billy the actor. He's come to be her nurse.

Lambrini: I hope he's wearing this

Carter: Okay, if you're throwing pictures like that in? This totally works for me. For some reason, nurse Billy (someone please photoshop the singer's head on that model) thinks grapes, chocolate and Sudoku are the remedy for illness.

Lambrini: The correct answer is drugs and Jeremy Kyle. Because your stomach might feel turned inside out or you might have stage four lymphoma but fuck, at least you don't have three potential fathers and a face like a dead horse.

Carter: Looking on the bright side there, Lamb?

Lambrini: You know it.

Carter: Sophie cries at the sight of the Sudoku, so I guess filling in numbers one through nine into a grid pattern is particularly heart-breaking?
Lambrini:
 
Carter: *grips chest* ouch! All that red! Anyway, Billy is there only to make her feel special so he immediately asks how she is, like they're girlfriends or something.

Lambrini: Nurse Billy isn't giving a physical?

Carter: You have got to stop putting pictures like that in or we'll never be done with this.

Lambrini: I am just going through my net browser history. From the time I was in the shower and someone was in my room on their own?

Carter: I thought I cleared that?

Lambrini: You disgust me.

Carter:  Anyway, Sophie starts attention seeking crying and covering her face and he keeps talking like he's a woman and then tells her to calm down.

Lambrini:

Carter: *laughing*Right? And then she breaks up with him.

Lambrini: Shut up!

Carter: Seriously, excerpt time:

"Come on ... calm down, Soph," he says, shutting the door and walking me into the living room, where he sits down with me on the sofa. Billy cradles me and rocks me gently, soothing me, my face still buried in my arms.
"I'm sorry. It's nothing. It's just ... I think we should stop seeing each other."

Lambrini: It's nothing, we should break up because someone I've never met before and will never be in my sphere of existence called me fat?

Carter: Girls just don't do this.

Lambrini: Girls just don't do this.

Carter: It's so out of left field. It's attention-seeking, it's affirmation seeking. 'You love me, right? You love me more than anyone else? Even though the only points of my existence are the things I wish I could change?' Fuck, if I had a girl that needy, she would be dropped like that *snaps fingers* I would be so creeped out. I mean, she might get a pity fuck first, but-

Lambrini: Car, that's horrible!

Carter: Confidence is sexy, okay? Whether you're a girl or a guy, that's the appeal. Confidence is saying you have brilliant genes, it's like, animal instinct. This girl sounds like a step away from nutjob-going-to-follow-him-around-and-kill-him-in-his-sleep-so-no-one-else-can-have-him. She's Glenn Fucking Close in Fatal Attraction.

Lambrini: I'd say you have issues, but I agree with this, to an extent. I mean, I'm not saying only showboats get dates, but there's a difference between confidence and attention-seeking and this is the line. And didn't Siobhan say there'd be autobiographical bits in this? That sounds like one part, which makes this horrible. I don't feel any connection between them, and not just because you're purposefully making this devoid of emotion ... I don't know how they connect. I can't feel any lust or anything, just a need to be reassured she's amazing.

Carter: Could she be any more Bella Swan if she tried?

Lambrini: That's the boring vampire girl Fearn compares me to sometimes, right?

Carter: Please don't say that. We can't be friends if you're like her.

Lambrini: It's only because I don't snapchat her or anything.

Carter: You're now on the maybe pile. You've been downgraded.

Lambrini: Anyway, can we just keep the character assassination to Sophie and Billy?

Carter: With relish. Okay, so Sophie admits she read some shit, and Billy's like 'you read' - isn't this girl supposed to be a reader? If I were this Billy dude, I'd be like 'did you read Dumbledore died?' because then the emotion connected to reading makes sense. But no, she admits she read some comments.

Lambrini:

 
 
You're right, I need to watch this *downloads on netflix, has on while Carter reads*

Carter: I wish you found the 'Too Gay To Function' quote.  Anyway, Billy has like, one brain cell because he works out she means internet comments, and then just ... this is why Siobhan hates this, isn't it? You want another quote, people?

"Never read those comments, Sophie. Do you know who writes that stuff? Sad, lonely people who have nothing better to do than sit and write crap. They don't know you and they don't realize that they're talking about real people with feelings ... None of them would ever actually say anything to people's faces. They just hide behind their computer screens spouting nonsense."

He's an asshat. A complete dillhole. A jerk-off, a dickshit, a douchebag, a fuckface, a knobcheese

Lambrini: Are you broken on insult loop?

Carter: These people? They're his fans! They're keeping him in money, and movies, and his house and his car and his family in Cali and they're spouting crap and wouldn't say this shit to people's faces?

Lambrini: I would love it if you met this guy.

Carter: Siobhan, spitefic that. Immediately.

Siobhan: Okay ... spitefic time!

 

Before Sophie could react, there was a pounding on the door. They had barely moved from the entrance hall, and Billy peeped through the glass on the front door. There, leaning against the door jamb, looking completely unaffected, was a teenage boy, about five-foot-eight, with auburn hair,  and pale skin splattered in freckles. He was wearing skinny jeans with a large belt buckle shaped like a retro music tape, black converse that had seen better days and a white T-shirt with the Clash's London's Burning album emblazoned on the front. Billy opened the door cautiously, and the boy sprang into action.

"You!" The boy stood close to Billy, a few inches apart, looking up at him with his eyes blazing in fury. His hands were by his sides, but his arms were tensed and his fists curled into balls. His jaw jutted forward, clearly spurring for a fight. "Did I just hear that shit right? People on the net are fucking assholes and wouldn't dare speak up in real life?"

Billy looked at Sophie, like he was trying to get some strength from her, and she lowered her arm from her face slowly. The boy wasn't about to be distracted.

"Well, fuck you man! My girlfriend made me go to see Halo and it was shit. The scripting was derivative and you were about as wooden as a two-by-four. I could pull a better movie outta my ass in five minutes, and tape it on my cell. My girlfriend's now on grovel mode, because she thought you'd be good! We were told you were like, the next Tom Hanks but we both know that's a pile. I can't wait to see what you vomit up this time. How the fuck are you rich? I want my money back from that date. Two tickets, the popcorn, the soda, the junior mints and goobers Claude insists on, the cover for my car insurance on that day, the petrol for that day, the airfare and time I wasted making this trip into bumblefuck country, and the seconds of my life that I wasted on your dubious talent. If you can't give me any of that back, then you can rot in fucking hell and take it when I put my opinion - which is as valid as anyone elses and not the only one in the category, douchebag - out in a public forum. You don't wanna be told you suck at your job? Find a job that doesn't get public feedback.'

And then the boy reached up, punched Billy in the face, and stalked out the door, muttering to himself about jumped-up actor douchefags.

Carter: I would so say all that to his face. He is a douchefag.

Lambrini: I keep looking at the bit you transcribed ... Carter, she's meant to be British, it's meant to be realise.

Carter: Nuh-uh, I wrote it exactly how it is in the book. And I remember that, Thomas looking over your work like 'what's with all the 'u's man? And replacing 'z' with 's' all the time?'

Lambrini: Yeah, I never thought at fifteen I'd have to learn to spell things American.

Carter: Well, I didn't get to punch this asshole in the face, so Sophie can keep up the attention-seeking shit. She's all 'they're telling the truth!' Like these people have met her and know her which is more than this guy can claim right now, and he's like 'baby' because he totes forgot her name. And she's all 'I'll never be good enough for you, I'm fat and ugly and boring!' and he's all 'hey, you're not fat' and she's 'but you're leaving and you're such a rolling stone, who knows which moss you'll leave behind next? Models, right?' and he's like 'you complete me, I thought you knew I'd be taking you with me or some shit, I live around the corner you know and you'll like LA when we go and I care so can I see your face?'

Lambrini: I feel sick just reading that.

Carter: I'm barely even paraphrasing, I swear. She's that needy and he says that many lines. It's all drama. And like, I know Becks only ever eats chicken salad and fruit, and Fearn and Claude make sure they don't eat crap because of cheerleading, but seriously, the whole 'I'm so fat'/'No you're not' thing pisses me off. I want her to be a complete whale, so this is justified, but we know she's not.

Lambrini:

Carter: Beautiful! So Billy orders her to uncover her face and since the man has spoken, she does ... does this ever work?

Lambrini: Carter, you get your way all the time.

Carter: But it's not because I'm a guy, it's because I'm right. And you answer back all the fucking time, so shut up.

Lambrini: Go fuck yourself.

Carter: See, you're still talking.

Lambrini: Just do the recap.

Carter: Case and point. So Billy gets her some snot rags and she wipes her face like she hasn't been doing that on her sleeves the entire time, and she says she looks awful because she needs more compliments. And then he says he loves her.

Lambrini: Well, that's kinda sweet, like 'hey, you were sad but don't be, because I care'.

Carter: But it's not, because he's like 'I completely and utterly love you' and I don't know why he loves her and I don't feel it. At best, he's like my aunt Meredith. Like 'oh Casey-Cole-Cody-Carter, I love you ... because my brother spawned you and I have to.'

Lambrini: Better than my uncle Adam, who's like 'hey ... so you're still alive?'

Carter: This chick is full on batshit crazy. She says she's not creeped out that he loves her and she smiles because love in a month is totally possible and then she says it mirrors her feelings. Isn't mirroring the antithesis?

Lambrini: I think she meant it like 'I love him back, like a love reflection'.

Carter: I threw up in my mouth a little. So there's a time jump and it's Sunday, which is date day, and now whenever I eat ice cream in the park with you I'm going to be reminded of this horseshit. There's a red sports car in the driveway of her house so now my mustang is completely tainted and Sophie asks 'what's that'.

Lambrini: You're disgusted, aren't you?

Carter: He just says it's a car. No idea which. Just a red sports car that's a 'bit flash' so is it ostentatious?

Lambrini: You spend too much time with Thomas.

Carter: But I know nothing. Is it a merc? A BMW? A Lamborghini? Chevy? What year? Horse power, engine size ... anything?

Lambrini: Carter's car is a red mustang.

Carter: It's a '68 convertible. First year mustang put in side marker lights, 302cu, Windsor V8, which is a 230 bhp. 4.9 litre engine.  it's the most iconic car like, ever.

Lambrini: Stock picture of Carter's car:

 
 
Carter: I have the white leather upholstery. And thank you for the car porn.

Lambrini: You're welcome.

Carter: Look at the steering unit:

 
I am so in love with my car.

Lambrini: And Billy says is that it was an impulse buy.

Carter: I am going to borrow from Siobhan's favourite, Jenny Trout:

 
Because that was just like Christian fucking Grey. So they drive to London and Sophie bangs on about childhood trips to London, which is only an hour away.

Lambrini: 20 minutes on the train, suck it!

Carter: Half an hour from Vegas? Not impressed.

Lambrini: Technically, even when I was in England I was half hour from Vegas ... Bas Vegas.

Carter: Is this some Brit joke I don't get?

Lambrini:

Carter: That's a yes. So Sophie wants to feed pigeons and Billy's grossed out and says it's illegal and she gets sad and reminisces about feeding them as a kid and loving them swarming around her with their various bugs and other grossness.

Lambrini: I hope she got pooed on.

Carter: You and me both. Then she asks if she can sit on some statue and he's like, yeah, until they make that illegal and you Brits are fucking crazy. So then he says, just to shit all over her, that he's taking her to his place, not some statues. I hope he buries her in the back yard.

Lambrini: The chances are, he doesn't have a back yard.

Carter: You're telling me that this actor who's so rich he can buy a car and learn nothing about it beyond it impressing girls can't afford a place even in the capital with a back yard?

Lambrini: Good point.

Carter: She describes the house and the view for a couple of pages and I see what Siobhan said about skipping this shit. I've missed nothing. He has pictures up of his family, and they're smiling and playing ... how old are these guys again?

Lambrini: It's him and his brothers on an X-box marathon.

Carter: Right? Otherwise Billy has issues. Sophie's impressed he's not flashing awards about ... so all actors have awards now? He's all 'you think I'm self-centred? LOL!' And I'm like, dude, you both are. And then he tells her he's been going to meetings for weeks and I thought they were making movies, silly me. He's got a new job, acting in a theatre in London, and she creams her pants about him being so close, but can she really move in with him? This is glazing over about four pages of her basically repeating 'what's the play about' because nothing goes in with Sophie.

Lambrini: They've been dating a month and she's moving in?

Carter: They've known each other a month, and he's pretty much demanding that she does. And that's the end of the chapter and I hate Siobhan. Let's go to Becki's and cool off in her pool and talk about something decent.

Lambrini: Deal.

Siobhan: So they've cleared out pretty quickly. Can I just say, we're a third of the way through this book and I've almost written enough about this for a standard novel? That's bizarre.

Thursday 27 June 2013

Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter 7

Yep, you get a two-fer this week!


Hey, flipping quickly through chapter seven made me smile. It's short. It's a flashback. There's no insipid floral language aimed at Billy. Chapter seven is good.
Until you read the words.

Can we rewind to that first chapter? The one where her mother is enthusiastic about her work and positive when talking to Sophie and seems like a well balanced person? And then go back to chapter four where her mother has fallen asleep crying, but when she wakes up she seems okay? She jokes with Sophie, and they seem close, despite Sophie being, well, Sophie. And then chapter five, Sophie's mother is happy and supportive of her daughter going on a date. So obviously, she's still sad about something, but doing her best to hide it from her daughter.
The end of chapter six feels out of place in comparison, Sophie's mother almost sounds like she has learning difficulties, she's so desperate for Sophie to stay around. I hated that bit, it was so, so, so, so awful.

Chapter seven is a flashback essentially about Sophie's mum.
It starts with Sophie being at school, at an assembly talking about the future. It's nine years previous to this story so I think she's seventeen? But I don't know if she's a young or old seventeen, so this could be upper or lower sixth. The speech is really condescending and completely unrealistic, all about hopes and dreams. So was it just my school going 'if you don't go to university, you'll end up flipping burgers and wasting your life' (I like to think I showed them. Working at McDonald's with a degree and a student loan the size of a year's wages, yo!) and basically threatening us with aiming for a career from the age of fourteen? Good to know.

I have seriously only read about four lines in two pages. It's just that easy to skim past the filler in this book. That's frightening, it's a standard length novel.
We get a bad transition from the assembly about aiming for the moon and go to Sophie's mother shaking her awake, to tell her she can't sleep, like some five year old having a bad dream (experience talking here) and it turns out she's downed some pills with whiskey.

Who the fuck needs to stick to characterisation, hey?

Sophie says she didn't know whether her mother meant to kill herself, it was a mystery she wasn't going to look into.
Seriously, it says that.

Whether she'd actally meant to end her life is still a mystery, but one that I can't ponder too hard. I don't want to know the answer.

Sophie, your bitch is showing.
Seriously, your mother is depressed to the point she mixes drink and prescription drugs, is somehow coherent enough to WAKE YOU UP AND TELL YOU WHAT SHE'S DONE and then you don't care to question it? I'd be like 'Mum, how are you still standing? Why'd you do that? You know it's not the answer, you didn't raise me to accept failure, so why are you letting it defeat you? Remember when I was depressed, did you let me give up? No, we talked, so talk, dammit! I'm not leaving you until you do, not even for you to go for a wee, I don't trust you right now, and you should know why' - obviously, after calling a fucking ambulance. The doctors would ask over and over, and talk with the next of kin if there was a serious problem.

I have a serious problem with that callous line. How am I meant to like Sophie in any way at all?
Her mum went into hospital for five weeks and was diagnosed for depression. Five weeks? I had a life threatening illness which required intensive treatments ... I was there for two weeks. They would not give up a bed for five weeks to one person, no matter how suicidal they are. They would move them to a psychiatric hospital, or a long-term ward where they would stay for longer than five weeks, and only be allowed out infrequently. Like, a friend of mine has bi-polar, and a few years ago she blanked out after a shift. She did two more shifts after this started happening, and then got placed on the psych ward. I saw her about a month later, when she was allowed out for the weekend, but in that time she was monitored. This carried on for a few months, and then she got to leave with regular check-ups and a change in her medication.

I really, really despise Giovanna's lack of research into these things.
Anyway, the upshot of her mother's attempt was she got talked about at school, and she ignored everyone because who needs friends when neither of your parents are able to take care of you? (And at seventeen, wouldn't Sophie still have been placed in temporary care until her mother was of sound mind again?) And Sophie decided to never leave her mother, ever, so she wouldn't be sad any more.

I won't even point out that she's sad whether you're there or not.
That's the entirety of chapter seven. But just to make up for that, chapter 8 looks super long. Once it's done ... we'll be on to part two. Joy.

Wednesday 26 June 2013

Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter 6

*walks into the room, fires up her laptop, grabs a bottle of Disaronno and pours into a shot glass.* *drains the glass in one, and pours another*

Hey. So, chapter six. I tried to read ahead on this, but I skimmed. I skimmed bad. And then gave up three pages before the end. So I need the Disaronno for this chapter. I also have cake, a victoria sponge that cost a quid from tescos, so it's sweet and artificial and if I eat enough and get bladdered enough, maybe I can survive this chapter.
I feel I should mention what's ahead. Then you can understand why I've been driven to drink my favourite liquor to read this.

-We see Sophie rationalise her relationship with Billy.
-We get title drops galore.

-We get a pap clipping, which will lead to me expounding a lot with examples from newspapers I bought yesterday. There is going to be a lot of transcribing.
-I will rant about marriage. Marriage features heavily in this chapter. I rolled my eyes the third time I saw it mentioned, gave up on the book and started reading 50 Writers On 50 Shades instead, which was far more eloquently written. I'm on the bit written by a paralegal right now.

-The stereotypes are going to make me puke up this entire bottle. Which will suck, because I love Disaronno.

So ... let's go.

The next few weeks whizz by in a blur with Billy and me spending as much time together as possible, which isn't easy when I work six days a week and his filming schedule is hectic and irregular.

Already, I am pissed off. Clearly, you don't see him much more than you already did. Also, six days a week? In a teashop? Has Molly heard of the European Working Time Directive? Because she sure as fuck isn't sticking to them (you can argue that it's voluntary and she might not have signed on for it, but it's as much to protect the employer as the employee so why wouldn't you?)

The following is from the wiki page, which the HSE website directed me to, so this is a legit page:

"The Working Time Directive, 2003/88/EC, is a Directive of the European Union. It gives EU workers the right to a minimum number of holidays each year, rest breaks, and rest of at least 11 hours in any 24 hours; restricts excessive night work; and provides for a right to work no more than 48 hours per week. It was issued as an update on earlier versions from 22 June 2000 and 23 November 1993.[1] Excessive working time being cited as a major cause of stress, depression and illness; the stated purpose of the Directive is to protect people's health and safety"

Breaks

  • art 3 there must daily rest of 11 hours per 24 hour period
  • art 4 a rest period for every six hours, set by legislation or collective agreement
  • art 5 weekly rest of 24 hours uninterrupted, on top of the daily rest in art 3, but derogation justifiable for technical, organisational or work reasons

Working week

  • art 6 (a) member states must ensure weekly working time is limited by law, or collective agreement(b) average working time should not exceed 48 hours for each 7 day period
  • art 17 derogations allowed under arts 3-6, 8 and 16 for (1) ‘managing executives or other persons with autonomous decision making powers’, family workers and religious leaders (2) …. (5) doctors’ provisions
  • art 18 derogations by collective agreement
  • art 19 limit to derogation for reference period
  • art 20 mobile and offshore workers
  • art 21 workers on fishing vessels
  • art 22 ‘miscellaneous’ (1) individual opt out for art 6 where (a) the worker agrees (b) no detriment for not agreeing (c) records kept up to date (d) authorities kept informed (e) information given (2) three week trasitional provision (3) inform Commission

Holidays

  • art 18 annual leave of at least four weeks (i.e. 20 days on a full-time basis) and no payment in lieu except where employment is terminated

Night work

  • art 8 (a) eight hours night work in any 24 hour period on average (b) eight hours where hazardous or strenuous work
  • art 9 free health assessments for night workers
  • art 10 night workers who risk health can be given guarantees (?)
  • art 11 night workers to be notified to competent authorities ‘if they so request’
  • art 12 night and shift workers should have health protected
  • art 13 ‘an employer who intends to organise work according to a certain pattern takes account of the general principle of adapting work to the worker, with a view, in particular, to alleviating monotonous work and work at a predetermined work-rate’

 

We'll ignore the fact that my company schedules 9 and 10 hour shifts overnight, and that since I had my TTP I haven't had a health assessment ... if she's working a full working day, which seems to be from 5am to 5pm? She should only be working four days a week, and have at least two twenty minute breaks per day. Sophie could take Molly to a tribunal easily. She could cite exhaustion and depression, which are fairly clear in the writing, and as she's trying to convince me that Molly is a sympathetic character, you would think that this came up, and Molly wouldn't even risk it.
But as I've said before, it's clear Giovanna doesn't know shit about businesses or how they work, or how to add that into her story. She also, as I read along, doesn't know shit about how a film production works. Apparently, they magically appear a week before filming, set up, and are good to go right through the day.

No. You send a location scout out, get a deal, negotiate timings etc, you arrive on location,  you set up every day, set up can take hours. The director needs to oversee and okay everything, and discuss with the producers as the actors get their call sheets and if they're required on set, go to hair and makeup, and wardrobe, and get prepared for the scene. When the lighting and set dressers are happy and the director is sure everything is blocked and ready to go, they'll do run-throughs and finally film the piece, and then as much as they can, they will undress the set because they're not in studio and can't leave camera equipment outside. Read through what I wrote, how much of that is Billy actually acting? A sentence within a paragraph, correct?
Actors often say there's a lot of waiting around on set, that they'll maybe do press or else they'll rehearse their lines or get to know the crew in that time. Billy has so far been able to walk off set and spend a few hours in the teashop before you started dating, so I don't understand why it needs a page and a half discussion as to why Sophie and Billy seeing each other as much as possible then just amounts to them talking on the phone sometimes late at night. She's pulling this out of her ass again.

Oh, and Sophie won't go to see Billy 'on set' despite him basically begging for her to come along (because he's bored, and apparently she can get off work for that?) she says it's because she can't believe she has a boyfriend (although she's had others) and she ... *gags, then swigs the Disaronno straight from the bottle*

so I think going on a film set and seeing people running around after him and pandering to his every need might be a little too much too soon.

She just accused Billy of being a diva. It sounds more like he's friends with the crew from them helping with the beardset from the last chapter, and from the things about to come up in this one ... she's doing Bella's trick of hating everything about everyone else. Why not just call everyone peasants and plebs and be done with it, Sophie? Even your freaking famous boyfriend isn't safe!
*sighes* *empties the shot glass*

 
It would be fair to say that we've been living in a bubble ... a wonderful, shiny, bouncy bubble full of romance and sickly affection. But as everyone knows, bubbles inevitably do one thing - burst!

You said it, Sophie May. Sickly. Also, I hate you.
So Sophie goes to Budgens for some food colouring for work, because that's where most independent catering companies go for supplies *groans and rubs head and prays for all industrial suppliers everywhere who offer better wholesale* and it's now "a few weeks" since her first date with Billy. A few is typically three, so ... this is about four weeks after they first met, and the first six chapters therefore represent a month. Remember this.

Sophie notices something on the newspaper stand ... something familiar ... could it be? Yes, it's Sophie! Sophie's face all over the papers! She has a panic attack over the irregularity of every publication in the country only fixating on the new crush of a Hollywood actor as opposed to real news like natural disasters and murders. Slow news week, huh? No fluffy puppies to put on the front page instead? No variation from the Telegraph or the Independent? Sure as fuck don't remember them turning into gossip rags. And i is much more likely to feature articles similar to time magazine than who's fucking who.

Fucking hell, this book *pulls hair out*

The only thing Sophie focuses on is that the picture is of the time she went to snog him in the street as he left the teashop, because she didn't want Molly and the other old birds seeing them swapping spit, and claims they were trying to be discreet. She focuses on it because she's in her work wear, the bandana on her head and flour everywhere. She's focusing on it because she doesn't look her best in the picture.

Seriously, I wish, I wish I was lying to you guys. It's not about an invasion of privacy, or a toe-curling sense of embarrassment generated by an overarching shyness, it's that she looks a mess:

"It's of Billy and me kissing outside the shop, taken the previous day as he left to go to the set. I know that because of what I'm wearing; I have a pink scarf wrapped around my head and a pink spotty apron on.
I'm covered with flour and dough.
I look a mess.
I can remember following him out so that I could give him a quick peck without being watched by Molly and the customers as we're still trying to be discreet, even though most of the customers know, but now the whole nation has seen us.

*drains her bottle, then throws it at the wall where it smashes*
I'm not going to say anything more. I'm going to let a picture do it, that whole 'a thousand words' thing:

 
Discreet. *stabs a fork in the cake and stuffs a huge glob in her mouth*
She whinges about not seeing the pap and the rights of a photograph ... please. Janet could've instagrammed it, or taken it and emailed it to the Sun. And with pap stories, Billy would have been forewarned, with the chance to nix the story if it's false or inflammatory. Billy would KNOW about this leak. Or if not Billy, his agent or assistant. Someone in Billy's camp OKAYED THIS ON YOUR BEHALF.

Fucking amateur ... we'll get more into that later.
The headlines sound like they're calling Billy gay, so my eyes stayed on this paragraph for a second. Seriously, we're about to do my first comparison.

Billy and Me:

My eyes wander across the different papers as I take in their headlines, "Billy's Sprinkle of Fairy Dust", "Buskin for Love", "Love in the Country for Billy Buskin", "Billy Finds his Halo" and "Billy's on the Love Bus".

*aside put in here ... I did wonder at the other chapter, I have a feeling "Halo", the film that shot Billy to fame is actually about angels. I wish it was based on the video game :(*

Actual headlines from the newspapers I bought yesterday:

"COPS TO QUIZ CHILD KILLER PHILPOTT OVER 2 RAPES" (Daily Mirror)

"B BRUV GINA BIGGEST FAKE EVER" (Daily Star)

"BABY KILLER MUM'S LOTTO JOY" (The Sun)

Notice how if they are about celebrity - and that's only the Star - they're negative? Notice how these are the cheaper rags in England and they're about death and people undeserving of what they have? Notice how they all use caps all the way through?

Maybe I'm being unfair here. Maybe we need to find the gossip pages *thumbs through*

"Grace Jones cast a spell on Nadal ..." (subheading "the real reason Rafa lost" - yes, romance is the main headline, but only names are capitalised. Limited purple prose, and then it's connected to the fact she actually tried to cast a damn spell on the guy). Page 16/17.

"Wright old ding dong" (subheading "'chelle of a time to row", about Mark Wright and Michelle Keegan arguing over him apparently flirting with other girls. Again, only names are capitalised.) Page 12/13.

"OCTUPITTS" (subheading "Brad and Ange want eight kids", this one is entirely capitalised, and makes a weird pun ... oh dear, I just saw another story that makes me sick, but it's not the main one so ... fuck it, I'm going to leave where I am now and blog and facebook it, because wtf? It's the post before this one, obviously.) Page 16/17.

My point is? She doesn't know shit about writing newspaper gossip articles. But more on that later. These newspapers are also going to feature again. Also, can we note what pages these headlines are on? There's no hints for the gossip pages on the front page. Pulling it out of her ass.
Anyway, so the Budgens guy, Mr Tucker, notices Sophie staring at such a weird occurrence on the newspaper stand and bangs on about her making the front page of every paper and how excited yet odd she must be feeling, and she can have a copy of every one but only this first time, understand? Or he'll lose out on money!

No one in this fucking village can work a business. And this is Budgens, although the stores are independently owned (so Tucker would have had to stump up a small fortune to have one) Tucker is nothing more, really, than a Franchisee, and Budgens isn't even the Supergroup, the Musgrave Group is. Mr Tucker would still have to meet targets and account for every penny and stock according to demand and I am still so pissed off by this lack of consideration of how hard it is to be an independent retailer. Molly and Mr Tucker would have to file self-assessments, but Sophie seems to have forgotten that also.
Weirdly, in Mr Tucker's ramble about how excited Sophie must be, he still makes that 'tomorrow's chip paper' comment which is out of place because ... when was the last time you had chips served in newspaper? It's either a styrofoam tray, a styrofoam cone, a styrofoam cup or greasepaper. None of which contains print. Fuck off.

She also says Mr Tucker 'chortles' ... the last time I read about someone 'chortling'?

 
 
Yep, the entire village is a fucking comic book.
We get an entire page of Sophie blabbing about who and how the photo was taken and there's no paparazzi now, and does Billy know?

She gets to the shop, and the phone is ringing, she picks up hoping to hear Billy and gets a journalist instead. Then another, and another, until she pulls the phone out of the wall.
Sorry, rewind, she's using the COMPANY phone for a PERSONAL call? Not to call her mother and say she has to be home an hour late, or to call a cab because her phone is out of battery? But to chat to her boyfriend. I can't ... I can't take this anymore. I'm just going to emoticon or something every time I see a shoddy business practice. How the fuck is she not fired? How the fuck is this village trading?

Molly walks in as she's pulling the connector cord out of the wall, and Sophie immediately blabs about being in the paper. Molly asks what the papers say, and Sophie admits she hasn't read them, because she was basically so freaked out by the picture (she doesn't admit to freaking about the picture, but that was the only reaction she had, what else am I, as a reader, meant to think?)
Molly loves the pictures, btw.

"Oh well, that's a lovely picture, darling" she coos, as we start reading the first article in the Daily Dawn.

It's that skirt that was Sophie's mom's in the eighties, right?
Here's the article, in its entirety. We will then move onto the articles I have, and that thing I've been saving up:

 

BUSKIN FOR LOVE
Until now Billy Buskin has remained single since his split from his Halo co-star Heidi Black several years ago, with many speculating he was finding it hard to move on from their relationship. However, while filming his latest offering, on location in the Kent countryside, someone seems to have caught his eye.
Billy, who is currently filming an adaptation of the classic Jane Austen novel Pride and Prejudice in the little village of Rosefont Hill, has apparently been talking about the beauty (pictured above) non-stop on set, even hinting that marriage could be on the cards.
A source said: "The last thing Billy was expecting to find in the country was a girlfriend, especially one who has nothing to do with the film. That's definitely what he finds attractive about her, that she's not a part of the showbiz bubble. She's just a normal girl, who works in a cafe. She's got good morals and she isn't caught up with the drama of Hollywood. In fact, she had no idea who Billy was when they first met."
They continued: "Billy hasn't been shy with his feelings at all. Sophie is all he talks about on set, and he regularly declares to us all that he has finally found love, as well as the girl he is going to marry."
The new couple were caught sharing a tender moment yesterday outside Sophie's workplace, confirming that they are indeed an item.
Billy has dated a steady stream of celebs and A-listers in the past, earning himself our Womanizer of the Year award four years in a row, but could a true English rose be what he has been searching for all along? Watch this space!

 

Fucking hell. There is so much I want to say about it all, but I think I'd be repeating myself. But could you love yourself more here, Sophie? And did you see that? Did you see that they've known each other a month and he's mentioned marriage? But we're just getting warmed up.
Onto the articles! To make it comparable, I will try and use gossip articles about new romance, okay?

The closest one in the Sun is the one I posted in the last blogpost, so I'll be skipping that one. But notice how short it was, and how much it name dropped and ignored the purple prose? Okay.
The Mirror doesn't have a love one either. I will post the closest to it:

MONEY doesn't make you happy, apparently. And it's only people who have it that say that, so it must be true.
Professor Green reckons his priorities have totally changed as he's grown up.
He tells Radio 1: "All I wanna do is get married, have children, walk my dogs and make sure my kids don't grow up like I did. That's happiness. A watch doesn't make you happy."
Speaking about wife-to-be Millie Mackintosh, he says: "I think you get to a point in your life where you just want someone to share your hangovers with." Bless him.

So much purple prose waxing lyrical about Mary Sue Mille, right? So much article, so many details, such big news! Wait ...
 

KAN DITTY IS DITCHED

KANYE West's deleted a song from his new album about Kim Kardashian.
He decided to get rid of the mushy ditty after his mother-in-law Kris Jenner said she "loved it".
The track was called Awesome but it will never be heard now.
But worry not. The new dad, 35, has already written four songs about his baby daughter North West. No doubt these include Scouse brows, fake tan and Stevie Gerrard.

 
Thank you Daily Star!
So as we can see, even when these articles are about love, they're not. Dr Greene's article came closest, and his other half was only briefly mentioned as an after-thought in the final paragraph! This is such horse shit.

And I'm not buying all this anti- news media crap. First of all:

 
Sorry, shall we use a picture from the multiple page article and not the front page?

 
Hey, wait! This is just their wedding! Maybe I'm being harsh?

 
Maybe not.

The thing that pisses me off the most? The blurb for Giovanna on Billy and me.

Actress and freelance journalist, Giovanna is married to Tom Fletcher from McFly. She grew up in Essex with her Italian dad Mario, mum Kim, big sister Giorgina and little brother Mario, and spent most of her childhood talking to herself (it seems no one wanted to listen) or reading books. Giovanna is a firm believer in the power of magpies and positive energy. To see what makes Giovanna smile, view her blog at www.giovannasworld.com or her Twitter page @mrsgifletcher.

That's the blurb, as reposted onto the Amazon page

Freelance journalist. I'm not the only one seeing those words in that combination by the AUTHOR OF A BOOK WHO IS SPITING JOURNALISTS? Right?


This is an article that basically describes the real life Billy and Me. More articles of Giovanna's? ... I can't find any. They're all articles about her.

But wait, she also says she's an actress! So what I said about acting, that should be relevant to her, right? Let's IMDB her.

Two films. One recent.

*sighes* I'm starting to not like Giovanna as a person so much anymore.

This is the moment I wanted to stop reading. I forced myself on. Sophie's starting at all the articles, which are all basically the same, and she and Molly gossip like Molly's turned into a pod person.

Billy runs in about 30 minutes later, whatever time this is, in full period costume. Sophie orgasms at the sight of him, and compares herself to Elizabeth Barrett. No, you're more like a Lydia (sorry to my awesome friend Lydia ... but Lydia Barrett was far more vacuous and far less kick ass than Elizabeth. Elizabeth and Mary would kick Sophie's ass for this one), but zomfg for this bit. I just ... it's making my brain break, I swear.

Billy wants to know if she's okay. He tried to call but couldn't get through. He came to see her because her work phone was off the hook despite someone in his camp giving the a-okay for this article and he can't compute she might freak out? Billy, you just lost ALL your cool points.

He saw 'the paper' with the picture on it (which one? Apparently all the broadsheets ignored fiscal events for mere celebrity fodder after all) and came over after ringing? Just to check she was okay? YOU SHOULD HAVE LET HER KNOW BEFORE THAT YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING OUT!

Sophie just starts cackling like crazy, and Billy is staring at her like she's mental (she is) and he apologises and she says it's not his fault, and then he says:

"I know. But I should've warned you. It was bound to happen at some point. Promise me something; if it ever gets too much, or someone just turns up and you don't like it - call me,"

Oh, I'm dating a famous actor who's fame increases with every scene in this book and yet I never considered the negative aspects of dating someone in the media spotlight! And of course he should grovel because I was so unprepared for something that should be inevitable if he were really that famous.
Because even if he didn't know about this article, she should have known it was a possibility.

And this still wasn't the point I threw this down in disgust. Nope, I kept skimming even past this (seriously, I'm skimming now and we're all following the 'action' pretty well, right?)

Billy says he's spoken to his manager and he's tracking down the mole on set, so they can punish that person for having a loose tongue, because Billy doesn't want to be censored. So Billy can have a loose fucking tongue ... maybe he is a giant fucking diva. Douchebag.

Sophie asks Billy if he 'said those things' (and who else went 'like MARRIAGE' and ignored her English rose/nice normal girl/so not a steretypical Hollywood actress shit she probably actually meant but has already been expounded ad infinitum) and he looks shy and smiles, but says perhaps, he has been talking about her nonstop because now he needs nothing else in life, so maybe?

And she just smiles. And then I fucking walked away from the read-through.

SHE JUST SMILED AT THE THOUGHT OF THIS GUY SHE'S BEEN SEEING ON AND OFF FOR LESS THAN A MONTH ADMITTING HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED!

*pukes up all the Disaronno and cake.*

This ... this is Twilight. This is Fifty Shades. This is so wrong. I just ... fucking hell, is that seriously all girls are meant to worry about? Whether the subject of marriage comes up within the first month of dating? Is this why I'm single?

The next scene is ... Sophie goes to see her mum and we get an unnecessary exchange between Sophie and her mother's co-worker who we'll probably never see again. She seems quite emo, so that's a shame, emo's can be funny characters.

Sophie's mum is organising the backroom, something she does as a diversion tactic. She's doing it because Sophie was in the paper. Somehow, this leads to her begging Sophie not to leave her. Sophie promises she won't.

Sophie's mum?


 
And then her mother fucking mentions that Sophie's older than she was when she married her dad. FFS with the marriage shit already?

There's some more emo shit I can't be bothered with, not because I don't care, but I just ... it's horribly written. It's 'I miss your father because you've started shagging a famous actor'. That's all I can get from it. It makes no real sense and it's so obvious her dad died and it's still not mentioned because it's meant to keep us glued to our seats ... but no.

That's the end of the chapter, and almost the end of 'Part One'. Apparently, there are four parts ... at least we're 25% of the way through, now.