Thursday 31 July 2014

Positive developments

I don't have a lot of body confidence. I know it's cliche to be a woman and have body hang ups, so I'll make this clear - I used to be happy with my body. At the end of my teens, start of my twenties, I had a body I was happy with, that I understood, that I could dress well and know my clothes suited me. And then I had my son, and got sick, and spent a few years bloating out and not understanding my physiology enough to be able to change that. Part of the reason why I like doing herbalife is because of the energy it gives me, and the chance to think about what I'm doing with my body again. I'm not like a health food crazy, but I'm more restrained. My body's getting back to the way it was when I was happy with it, like I wanted. It's been slow because I've been crap with herbalife through June and half of May, but I'm back on track now.

And I did something I've never done before. Ever. Even with my happy-body. I wore a bikini. I know that sounds melodramatic, but I do prefer onesies. Unfortunately, my boobs become besties with gravity when I wear one. And I found a Kelly Brook range in New Look months ago, and she understands what it's like to be a big-on-top girl, and this bikini has been floating around my room for ages. We were going to the beach today, and last time we went I had so much fun playing in the shallows with Noah, that I wanted to go further. I'm not a strong swimmer, but he's little and wouldn't go too far. I wanted us to enjoy ourselves. So I wore the bikini. That I now resemble a lobster is nothing, I gave Noah a lot more than I've been able to for a long while, thanks to my shitty energy levels and headfuck. Today was fun. Even if I still have some way to go (and no Lydia, I have no side-on shots. They all looked pornographic!) I'm not sorry I'm making you look at it. Gallbladder surgery scars and all:


Tuesday 29 July 2014

How on earth did I forget this?!

So, I don't think I've even mentioned this! God, what's wrong with me?

Okay, so a couple of months ago, someone from the Supernatural fandom world and I were talking, and she said she really wanted to go to Asylum 14 next May. And I offered to help her out, not by buying the ticket, but by doing something, finding some way of contributing. I would have just given her some of the cost of the ticket, but I knew she wouldn't be comfortable with that. She does Chibi drawings a lot, so we hammered it out until she agreed to draw some of my characters as a commission piece, and the money from that would go to her ticket. She got the ticket, and worked her butt off on the commission. Bless her, she was worried it was taking so long, but we'd gone into our summer sale at work and the days were flashing by and I honestly didn't notice when her imposed time limit was gone. She kept saying sorry, but honestly, the most important thing for me was that she was going to be able to enjoy herself (coincidentally, the woman I'm sharing a room with at Asylum 13 offered to help someone else, and got refused. Which is fair enough, money makes people weird, but then the same person kept moaning she couldn't afford a ticket, and then they all sold out and she didn't have one and it's like, dude, you had a brilliant opportunity to go!)

Anyway, she sent me the final product a few weeks ago. I love it! There's a few things I didn't expect (like Carter's shirt is bright for him. Must've been baseball day, haha!) but I love what she's done. Especially with Lambrini, since I can never quite picture her (although my friend Holly sent me a picture of a character from Waterloo Road, and she comes close) so now I have some kind of visual representation to refer back to.

Wanna see the picture?:


If you haven't read my stuff, they're probably just cartoons to you. But this is the two main characters, and their friends (at least, the ones dominant in the first four/five books) and it took me ages to work out who I'd want a picture of. Can you imagine if I'd asked for Carter's entire family? She'd still be working on it, for sure!

I need to get off my butt and carry on writing it, really!

Friday 25 July 2014

Trouble





Another video book review! Hope you enjoy it. It's probably too waffly :/

Tuesday 22 July 2014

The Fault In Our Stars

You can hear traffic constantly! I have abrupt edits because I had to cut off my mother calling me every two seconds! I totally disregard my most recent post (until like, the last ten minutes, anyway ;) )

Enjoy! It's effing long:

*ETA: I can't upload it for some reason, blogger's pretending it doesn't know crap about my youtube, even though they're on the same google account. Whatever, google plus! so sorry, it's a link. Maybe because it's 45 minutes long?!*

zee moans about TFIOS

Saturday 19 July 2014

Awwwh!

So, I haven't talked too much about it on here, though I have talked about it at some point, but I've been trying my hand at erotica in fan fiction. I'm surprised at how okay I am at it, all things considered. I've had to explain some BDSM stuff to two different people based on my last chapters, which is so surreal for me. How do I know all this stuff and you guys don't?!

Anyway, so the big project I have going on, with my longest chapters ever (current one I'm working on is estimated at 8k. I tend to do 1-2k per chapter. Gerald won't know what to do with me!) I've done two versions of, for each of the two main characters. They have such different perspectives, and different things going on in their lives (which marries up with the show beautifully. Okay, I confess, this is Destiel. Heavy slash Destiel. Totally NSFW. And it's so much fun to do) and even though the main thread of the story is the same and I don't change events or speech … well, this is the comment someone made this morning when she read some of it:

"I've never read companion writing before yours. Wasn't sure what to make me the idea, but when i started reading, my god, WELL impressed with how different the same story can be, its so cool!"

I'm so pleased about that! It's a big ask to make the same story different, but I think it's because I've employed a few little tricks to keep it going:

-One is written in third person, the other in first. Which means one gets to be more descriptive, and one is more colloquial, and emotional.

-One is meant to be more romantic, and touching. The other I'm trying to inject some humour in. Writing in first person means the reactions can be the most comical bit, especially when they misinterpret each other.

-They're not together 24-7. What happens when they're apart lends the stories a different flavour.

It's so much fun to see people's reactions to the different stories, although the third person one is getting more of a response. I think because it came first and then people are worried that by trying the second, it would be really repetitive? But if you'd want to read, let me know, I might link you, if I think you can handle being scarred mentally. I mean, at one point there's an angel buying supplies in an S&M shop in Amsterdam, so you already know it's going to be pretty messed up.

And I'm totally going to hell.

Good timing!

Last night, I drove home in the middle of a thunderstorm. I freaking loved it. But the best part of seeing forked lightning streak across the sky in front of my little Fiesta was the music. I was playing McFly's memory lane album, and the timing was exception. Like there was a line about storms *lightning flash* and seeing someone through driving rain (driving through driving rain). I mean, yeah they were making metaphors, but you cannot time that kind of perfection!

I was sad when the storm ended before I got home, the sky owed me like, a giant flash across the sky as I put the handbrake on, just to tie it up neatly! Okay, it didn't owe me, but that would have been amazing!

Wednesday 16 July 2014

Surprise! I've been busy plotting

For a reading/writing blog, I don't talk much about other books on here very much. But I've solved that now:


My editing sucks. So does the sound quality. I was nervous doing it, and taping it trying not to be overheard by the many members of my family, who would just take the piss (ahhhh, family!) so if I seem like I'm whispering, it's because I thought I heard them on the stairs ;) Still, I hope this can be a regular thing. I can be very opinionated.

Monday 14 July 2014

It's nice to be important. But it's important to be nice.

Someone on my twitter feed wrote the above title as a tweet today. I like it for a few reasons.

Like, more and more, since I left McDonald's, I'm trying to be positive and embrace the good in life. Part of that is trying to see the best in everyone, part of that is finding ways to be kind, or to reach out to people on something relevant to them. Being nice is about making others feel good, because the world is so full of criticisms and harshness and if you can be the brief silver lining in someone's cloudy day, doesn't that have some relevance for the way the world works?

That's not to say by being positive you should be a doormat, and you should always endeavour to stand up for your beliefs. Just find kind ways to be firm. You can be nice for so many things where people get irate. Like, I went to a store recently, and I had to talk to the sales person about something I needed, but at first it felt like she was really unhelpful, and I could feel myself getting worked up, but then I had as quick a rethink as I could, and I rephrased. I asked questions to find out why she couldn't help, and I felt shitty for getting upset in the first place. But you know what? When I left, we were on pretty good terms, because I'd tried to be patient and kind and understand that actually, the situation was as little her fault as it was mine, because that's what I hope for when customers aren't happy in my job.

Or like when the A12 tickets got cancelled, as upset and angry as I was, yelling and being abusive would have led to what, exactly? So I was as polite as I could be through the devastation, and the tickets were reinstated, and actually, I've emailed a couple of times since then for the next two conventions and I feel confident in doing so, because I am polite and patient and just nice. The responses, when I get them, respond to that. Nice leads to nice, and that leads to happy.

It makes me look back on McDonald's and wonder why I ever put up with the way things were there. The way you had to compromise your morals and friendships in order to keep the wheel turning one more day. But there was no gratitude for they way they stomped on your soul and sucked your time, just an expectation that you step up quicker, next time. I cannot be around that anymore, or anything like it. Not when there's so much in the world that is amazing, and worthwhile.

Or like on goodreads, where I do discuss books with other frequently. There's a member I've debated/clashed with for a long time. I used to think it was me. I endeavoured to take my new, embrace-the-positive attitude to those conversations, or else move away. And I've realised - albeit with the help of others - that it was never me. It was always her negativity. And now that I've let it go, I'm really enjoying the conversations with everyone else on there.

The world is so full of good-natured, friendly people. It's just that sometimes, one negative person can make the world seem like it's full of anger, and lies, and depravity. It's times like those - like the other day - where I just try to take five, and then find those who are being positive. I want to surround myself with good, and happy, and love, because I've had enough sadness to last me for the rest of my life now.

I think this is why I embrace statements like the above, or things like Random Acts, which is about being kind and considerate. I love Misha forever for creating such a great concept. I can't wait for GISHWHES in a couple of weeks, which is his biggest fundraiser, and completely mental, according to my more experienced teammates.

And all of the above … I'll be honest, it's why I haven't posted so much lately. I've had a fair bit of negativity in my comments since my Destiel post - which I stand by - and I felt like this was a negative place. I feel compromised being here, a little. But this is my blog, and it's where I reason things out, and I'm not going to let a few unfounded comments put me off being here. This blog is going to grow again, and it's going to grow from love. I may still have my whiney posts - I am human - but remember that they're fleeting, and that I'm aiming for something different now. I'm aiming for happy, however I can harness that. I'm considering doing 100 happy days on here, just to enforce that. Because happiness is in big shows, and tiny efforts, it's in smiles and compliments or a comfortable silence with an old friend. It's a book, or writing, or hugs with my son. Happiness is everywhere, I'm just going to make sure I've got my eyes open.

Sunday 13 July 2014

Siobhan watches: Supernatural. Season One, Episode Twelve. Faith.

Sorry I haven't done one of these for so long! I have no excuse, just haven't been in the mood. Also, the title of this one has me laughing. I have a fanfic with the same name. It's not important. Let's go on.

After the introduction, we're shown the outside of a run-down house at night. The Impala pulls to a stop outside the building, and the boys use their sawn-off shotguns to prop open the trunk of the car as they rummage around for the equipment they need. Sam asks Dean the ampage of the taser in his hand, and Dean tells him they're at 100, 000 volts. He says he wants the monster "extra crispy" and they only have one shot so they need to make it count.

They enter the basement of the building, shining their flashlights around as they go. They notice a large wardrobe, and count to three to open it, finding two scared children inside. They ask if "it" is still there, and the kids nod. Sam and Dean tell the kids to hold hands, they're going to get them out of there. Sam runs upstairs with the kids as Dean continues looking around the basement and following slowly, until something grabs Sam's legs and pulls him down the stairs. The little girl screams, and Dean past Sam, releasing the taser. We hear a monster groan, and Dean orders Sam to get the kids out. Sam chucks Dean his own taser the monster, and runs out with the kids. Dean carries on looking in the basement, knowing the monster is still alive, and it jumps out at him, pushing him down. He scrambles around for the dropped taser as the monster advances on him, grabbing it out of a puddle and aiming it at the monster. He hits it, but the electric current passes through the puddle and Dean is shocked by the taser too. Sam comes running down the stairs, shouting Dean's name, and trying to wake him up.

Yeah, that's right, my baby was so intent on killing that monster that he didn't watch for himself. So Dean. Even though I don't like seeing him that way, it is good they show that hunts don't always work out. Regardless, this episode is predominately about one thing. Dean. Mmmmm! I think this is the bit where the writers noticed exactly what they had made him and decided to give him a little more focus, or perhaps they were trying to show Sam as more sympathetic by showing just how concerned he is about his big brother, who so far has done nothing but try to make his baby brother happy.

Sam is at the hospital, talking to a nurse who tells him she can't find any insurance on file. Sam gives her a puppy dog look and passes her a card from his pocket as two police officers look on. He looks over at them as the nurse looks them up on the computer, and they tell Sam they can finish up later. Sam says it's okay, and tells them a story about how he and Dean came to be in the neighbourhood. They buy it, and thank him, and Sam excuses himself to talk with a doctor who has appeared down the corridor.

The doctor tells Sam that Dean's resting, but he was electrocuted into having a massive heart attack. He goes on to say they've done all they can but now they just need to keep him comfortable. At most, he'd have a month left to live.

It's a dark day in Mrs Dean Winchester land *pulls veil from funeral hat across face* my poor baby!

Sam insisted there must be something they can do, and the doctor tells him they can't work miracles.

Why put ideas in his head, Doc? He's a freaking Winchester! Also, I can tell the doctor thinks he's just a typical relative, wanting the impossible because they can't accept reality, but … the Winchesters live every day with the impossible, so get the hell over it, Doc!

In the hospital bed, Dean is flicking through TV channels, looking tired and worn out. As Sam walks into the room, he says in a croaking voice about how terrible daytime TV is.

He hasn't found Dr Sexy, MD yet.

Sam - "I talked to your doctor."
Dean - "That fabric softener teddy bear, ooh, I'm gonna hunt that little bitch down."
Sam - "Dean?"
Dean - "Yeah? Alright, well, looks like you're gonna leave town without me."
Sam - "What are you talking about? I'm not gonna leave you here."
Dean - "Hey, you're gonna take care of that car or I swear I'll haunt your ass."
Sam - "I don't think that's funny."
Dean - "Oh, come on, it's a little funny. Look, Sammy, what can I say man? It's a dangerous gig. I drew the short straw. That's it, end of story."
Sam - "Don't talk like that, alright? We still have options."
Dean - "What options? You got burial or cremation. I know it's not easy, but I'm gonna die. And you can't stop it."
Sam - "Watch me."

They're scho cute! I love how determined Sam is. He can make anything happen as long as he sets his mind to it. Is it big-headed that I can relate to that? I'm relating anyway. He's so dynamic! I know, I'm complimenting Sam … I do actually like the guy! And only Dean would want to gank
 a TV mascot because it annoyed him. The line about Dean haunting Sam for messing with the car has come back via tumblr for a later episode … but no spoilers, or anything!

Later, as the camera pans over various books and print outs of biology books, we can hear John's voicemail again. As soon as the beep goes, Sam begins to leave a message, letting him know that Dean's sick and the doctors are calling time, but the doctors don't know the things they do, right? He then says he'll do what it takes to get Dean better, but he wanted John to know. He hangs up and drops the phone, fighting tears back as someone knocks on the door of his motel room. he goes to answer it, and there's Dean, looking completely wrecked.

And what he says next is really misogynistic and pig-headed and I should hate him with every fibre of my being, but I'm a really poor example of my female species and squealed instead. Oh, Dean!

Sam - "What the hell are you doing here?"
Dean - "I checked myself out."
Sam - "Are you crazy?"
Dean - "Oh, I'm not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot."
Sam - "You know, this whole 'I laugh in the face of Death' thing? It's crap, I can see right through it."
Dean - "Yeah, whatever, dude. Have you even slept? You look worse than me."

See, I can see through the bullshit too, which is why Dean gets away with being a pig, because he's hiding how scared he truly is and all he really wants in his *possibly* last few days is the baby brother he raised. And he really doesn't look better than Sammy. He looks like he needs me *sighs*

Sam tells Dean he's been searching the net for the last three days as he helps Dean into a chair. He then says he's called every contact in their dad's journal. Dean asks what for, and Sam says to get him help. A guy called Joshua called back about a specialist in Nebraska. Dean asks if Sam's going to let him die in peace, and Sam smirks before saying he's not going to die, period. They're going to Nebraska.

In Nebraska, there are people on crutches and with zimmer frames forcing their way through a muddy field in order to reach a tent. Sam and Dean drive up as well, Sam trying to help Dean along. Dean spots the sign for the tent, and calls Sam a lying bastard, because Sam had claimed they were going to a doctor. Sam responds with "I believe I said a specialist."

Semantics, Sam. You didn't say faith healer.

Sam tries to talk the guy up, and Dean moans about the set up, a guy who heals people out of a tent. A passerby tells them the healer is a great man and Dean shoots her down. They pass another man telling a local officer that the healer is a fraud. The officer defends the healer, and as he takes the protestor off, Dean comments "I take it he's not part of the flock." 

Actually, for the purposes of foreshadowing, I'm going to copy out some of the dialogue:

Sam - "Well, when people see something they can't explain, there's controversy."
Dean - "But come on, Sam, a faith healer?"
Sam - "Maybe it's time to have a little faith, Dean."
Dean - "You know what I got faith in? Reality. Knowing what's really going on."
Sam - "How can you be a skeptic with the things we see every day?"
Dean - "Exactly, we see them. We know they're real."
Sam - "But if you know evil's out there, how can you not believe good's out there too?"
Dean - "Because I've seen what evil does to good people."

I'm up to date, this dialogue is hard to take. But essentially, this is a theme throughout a few seasons, Dean has no faith, and Sam has a lot of faith. It's a nice turn around when you do see Dean finally praying, but that's in like, season four at least. His prayers are hysterical.

Another passer by tells Dean how God words in mysterious ways. Dean agrees as he eyes her up, and Sam shoots him a look.

Because it is a little skeevy of Dean to agree just for some tail. Sam's got his priorities right. Dean's thinking with his dick. And I still would. I know, I should be ashamed.

Dean continues flirting, and introduces himself and his brother. The passer by introduces herself as Layla.

If you couldn't tell by now, if they get named, they're relevant to the episode.

Layla asks Dean why he's there if he doesn't believe, and Dean says his brother believes enough for the both of them. Layla gets called into the tent and they watch her leave before Dean says to Sam "Well, I bet you she could work in some mysterious ways." Sam smirks and laughs, then follows Dean into the tent. Dean's first reaction is to comment on how much peace, love and trust there was in the tent while nodding to a CCTV camera fixed to a tent pole. Dean moves towards a chair, and Sam tugs him up front, despite his protests.

For me, this more than Jensen's acting is selling the idea that Dean is dying. Because Jensen's acting is a teeny bit inconsistent here, but the fact of him cow tailing to Sam's decisions is the biggest red flag. He's only half-assing his arguments, and that's not very Dean. I mean sure, he'd do anything for Sam, but he'd do anything for Sam in his own way, because he's in charge.

Sam fusses over Dean, who continually waves him off, despite audibly struggling with just sitting in the chair. The preacher up front, who's wearing dark glasses (so blind?) begins his sermon, talking about his wife reading him the news. As he talks, Sam is looking around at the stage props, and Dean merely looks pissed off. As the preacher says that God helps him see into people's hearts to know who to heal, Dean mutters "Yeah, or into their wallets."

Sidebar: I pull this shit in movies, and did in the panels at the convention. I have never had happen to me what happens to Dean. Poor Dean.

The preacher hears, and confronts Dean. Dean apologises, and the reverent makes a joke about blind men having sharp ears. He calls Dean up onto the stage, and Dean says no thanks. Sam asks what he's doing as the preacher points out he came to be healed. Dean continues trying to pass it off, they should pick someone else, and the reverent says "I didn't pick you, Dean, the Lord did."

Foooooreshadowiiiiiiiiing!

Sam prods Dean again, and he finally goes up to the stage. The reverent asks if he's ready, and Dean admits he's not a believer. The reverent assures him that he will be, then asks the congregation to pray. The reverent puts his hand on Dean's shoulder, and then on his head, and Sam watches intently from the audience as Dean begins to collapse on stage. Sam stands up as Dean is kneeling, eyes blinking, neck cricking everywhere, and then he falls on the floor. Sam jumps up, calling for his brother as everyone applauds.

Dean comes to, and looks towards the preacher as a shadowy figure appears beside him and then disappears. Dean sits up, staring around.

Yeah, I'm not too sure about this scene. I mean, it's meant to be Dean getting healed, but did it take them a month to find this guy in Nebraska? Really? Its timeline is as messed up as Bugs. Or was Dean on his way to another heart attack (Jensen didn't sell that) regardless of the time limit and it just so happened to be in that tent? I don't understand why Dean saw that figure.

Can I just sidebar to say that I started reviewing this episode only a few days after the last one? It's taken me months. Season Nine finale fucked me up good. I will finish it! I need the disc drive for something else coming up on my blog. And going back into the episode:

In another hospital, Sam is enthusiastically asking if Dean feels okay, which he tries to shut down quickly as a doctor walks into the room, saying that there's nothing apparently wrong with Dean's heart, and it doesn't look like there ever was. He's been cured. She says it's strange but it can happen. Dean asks what she means by that, and she says just the day before, an athletic guy, about 27 had a heart attack out of nowhere. Dean thanks her and she walks out. Dean turns to Sam and says it's odd, to which Sam says it's a coincidence. Dean says no, and Sam asks why they can't be grateful that Dean's life was saved and moved on.

Because Dean doesn't think he's worth it. Especially knowing another man might be dead in his place. That sort of thing eats him up.

Dean says that he thinks something's wrong, he felt cold at the time of the 'healing' and he saw an old man. He thinks the man is a spirit. Sam points out he would have seen it as well if there has been something, because he's seen an awful lot more than Dean lately. Dean says "Oh well, excuse me, psychic wonder. But you're just gonna need a little faith on this one. Sam, I've been hunting long enough to trust a feeling like this." Sam laughs, but agrees, and asks what Dean wants to do. Dean tells Sam to check out the guy with the heart attack, he's going to talk to the reverend.

I'd normally say this isn't the best way to do this, Sam should go talk to the reverend because he can doe-eye him into putty, but Sam's in smug mode after being 'right' about the healing, so I can understand that Dean thinks he's acting too maturely. Plus, Dean would have more of the right questions in this situation.

In the reverend's house, Dean is telling the reverend and his wife how great he feels, and how he's now trying to make sense of what happened.The wife (I've seen her in another episode! This is going to drive me crazy!) says it was a miracle, that's what happened. Roy - the reverend - is surrounded by miracles. Dean asks when they started. The reverend tells how he lost his sight to cancer, and he and his wife prayed for a miracle, even when he felt weak. He slipped into a coma they didn't think he would come back from, but he woke up, cancer free. Dean asked if that was when he discovered he could heal people, and the reverend tells him yes, afterwards. The wife says how the congregation grew, and Dean asks for one more question. The reverend says yes, and Dean asks, why him? The reverend said he looked into Dean's heart, and Dean stood out. Dean asks what he saw in his heart, and the reverend says "A young man with an important purpose, a job to do, and it isn't finished."

You can take this one of a few ways: his job is finding his dad. His job is to get revenge for his mother. Or - as he told Sam - his job is to hunt monsters and save innocent lives.

Meanwhile, Sam is talking to a witness who said the heart attack victim swam every day, and didn't smoke, he was pretty healthy so a heart attack seemed bizarre. They talk about how he was running the night of his collapse and how he said something was chasing him. When Sam asks what, the guy says thin air, there wasn't anything to be seen. Sam notices the clock has stopped, and when he asks, the guy says they can't get it working. Sam asks if it's stopped on the time that the guy died, and the witness says yes.

On Dean's way out of the reverend's house, he meets the Layla who asks how he's feeling. He says good, cured. She smiles, and he asks what she's doing there. She says she brought her mother to talk to the reverend. But the wife appears and says that Roy's resting and not open to receive anyone else. The mother begs, saying they've been six times now. The wife gives a spiel about working when the Lord will allow, and tells Layla's mother to have faith. As the wife walks away, Layla's mother turns to Dean and asks why he's still even there. Layla's shocked, telling her to stop it as she tears into Dean. Her mother says she wants the strangers to stop being picked over Layla, and Dean asks what's wrong with her. Layla has a brain tumour. Dean apologises, and Layla passes it off, before her mother asks "Why do you deserve to live more than my daughter?"

Because he's the Michael sword, the descendent of Cain and the righteous man. But we'll get to that as we go along.

Also, I'm pretty sure Dean's basically Jesus.

Dean goes back to the motel room, where Sam is already typing away on his laptop. Dean asks what Sam's found out, and Sam's response is an apology. Dean asks why he's sorry, and Sam gives Dean the runner's time of death. Dean makes the connection out loud for us "The exact time I was healed." Sam's put together a list of the six people Roy had healed over the past year, cross-checking them with local obituaries. He passes the list to Dean, mentioning that the times of healing/death weren't the only coincidences, the people that died had the same complaints as the people being healed. Roy is trading one life for another. Dean asks if Marshall, the runner, died to save him? Sam points out he would have died in someone's place anyway, it just happened to be Dean who got healed. Dean tells him he shouldn't have dragged him there, and Sam said he was just trying to save him.

Another recurring theme! A Winchester's biggest weakness is saving his brother. Sam and Dean will continually fuck up with the other in mind. This is why Wincest exists. They're pretty co-dependent, considering they've only been travelling together again for a few months.

Dean reminds him that someone's now dead because of him, and Sam says he didn't know.

Meanwhile, Roy is healing someone else, an elderly man with breathing trouble. Sam's voice carries over the scene, wondering how Roy is trading a life for a life. Dean points out it's not Roy. Something else is doing it for him.

We see a female jogger bending over, gasping for breath from her run. She turns and sees the man, as Dean mentions him in the narration. He says he didn't want to believe it. Sam asks what he means, and Dean says there's only one thing that can give or take life like that. "We're dealing with a reaper."

Reapers change so much throughout the next nine seasons. Also, sorry I didn't do this part so well, the boys are talking but the shots are between the motel room, the healing and the reaping, but it's really hard to write about it in the correct order.

The jogger begins to run away from the reaper as Roy goes to place a hand on an elderly man on an oxygen tank. As the jogger turns to see where the reaper is, she runs into him. He puts a hand on her head, as Roy does the same to the elderly man, and she asphyxiates.

And because the soundtrack is awesome, this bit is to the tune of Don't Fear The Reaper.

The last thing we see is the reaper putting his hand on the elderly man as well, giving him the girl's life, and disappearing before the man pulls off his cannula.

We cut back to Sam talking as Dean looks through some papers. he's in front of his laptop and asking if Dean thinks it's the grim reaper.

He sounds ridiculously excited by the prospect. Oh, Sammy!

Dean corrects him quickly. "No, no, no, not the Reaper. A reaper. There's reaper lore in pretty much every culture on earth. They go by a hundred different names. It's possible there's more than one of them."

Spoiler alert: there are many. Like, one in every town.

Sam points out he saw a dude in a suit. Dean asks if he should be working the 'whole black robe' thing.

And my DVD has stopped on the funniest possible moment. Cas would be happy ;) Unfortunately my screen shots suck.

Dean continues by mentioning the clock stopping, and tells Sam reapers stop time, and you only see them when they come for you, hence why Dean saw him and Sam didn't. Sam says maybe, and Dean puts his foot down, saying it couldn't be anything else, he's just not sure how Roy's controlling the thing. Sam mentions a cross, and Dean asks what he means. Sam tells him about a cross in the tent that he'd seen before, and he begins flicking through tarot cards, looking for the cross.

This is the kind of exposition we typically get in Supernatural, with Dean and Sam discussing the things they've found to draw a base conclusion. I like it, because it's fairly natural dialogue (considering the topics) and you can see their personalities, but also the respect and love they have for each other. They don't talk down to each other, they discuss possibilities and work on building each other's theories. For now, anyway. This is, after all, the 'happy' series. This is them getting along best.

Sam passes the right card across, and Dean reacts to the tarot, but Sam assures him it makes sense. Sam says tarot came about in the early Christian era when priests used magic, and some veered off into darker stuff.

I have tarot cards. I'm not great at them, but they're not dark. That's such a misconception. If you read them right, they're a good guidance when you have doubts. Oh, Sammy, just when I thought we could be friends! Also, the card, if you're wondering, is the Magician.

Sam talks a little of Necromancy, and how to both push death away and cause it too.

Okay, we're friends again. Don't ever touch Necromancy *shudders*

Dean concludes where Sam is going with all this: "So Roy's using black magic to bind the reaper?" Sam says if he is, it's dangerous, like putting a dog lead on a shark. Dean decides they need to stop Roy, and Sam asks how. Dean tells him, he knows. Sam asks what the hell he's talking about, they can't kill Roy. Dean points out that he's playing God, deciding who gets to live, that makes him a monster.

This seems ironic to me. "We have to kill him, I've decided, because he's deciding if other people get to live or not. This validates my decision to kill him." Dean is so complex *drifts off into fangirl world*

Sam says no, they're not going to kill a human. If they do, then they're no better than Roy.

Sam can now be my BFF.

Dean says "Okay, so we can't kill Roy, we can't kill death. Any bright ideas, college boy?"

Sidebar for a spoiler: In season five, Dean tries to kill death.

Sam thinks for a moment, then says they need to find what the binding spell is, and break Roy's hold on the reaper.

The scene cuts to the Impala pulling up outside the tent/reverend's house, where there's another service about to begin. Sam says if they're using a spell, there may be a book, and Dean tells him to try and find it, they have fifteen minutes until the service is meant to start. In the mean time, he'll try to stall Roy.

The protester is outside again, calling Roy a fraud. Dean says to him "Amen, brother." and Sam tells him "You keep up the good work." as they walk past. Sam waits and watches for Roy to leave his house, and then breaks in through a window.

Jared's 6'5", this is hilarious to watch!

He finds a study lined with dusty old books, and he scans until he finds a break in the line of thick dust. He pulls that book out (An encyclopaedia for Christian history) he flicks through and finds nothing, but then discovers a smaller book in the books slot. He pulls it out and flicks through that, where there are pictures of reapers and of the cross, in amongst the old, heavy text. Inside the book is a folded newspaper article, talking about an openly gay teacher, and a local abortion rights activists. The final clipping he finds includes the guy outside, claiming it's a cult. The pictures are of the guy who died for Dean, the jogger we saw die, and the guy outside.

Dean's filing into the tent, when his phone goes off. He picks up, and asks what Sam's got. Sam tells him the victims who are seen as immoral. He tells Dean the next victim, and says he'll try to get to him, but Roy isn't allowed to 'heal' anyone. Dean hangs up and approaches the front of the tent, where Roy is standing, waiting for everyone to file in. Sam is outside, walking amongst the cars, as Layla is called to the front of the tent. Dean catches her on her way to the front and tells her she can't go up there. She asks why not, and he says she can't let Roy heal her. She points out that Roy healed him, and he says if she does, something bad is going to happen, but he can't explain and he just needs her to believe him. She says sorry and goes on, and he tries to call her back.

Outside, Sam hears someone screaming out for help. The protestor is running from the reaper. Sam finds him and asks where the reaper is, and the guy points wildly between cars, though Sam can't see. Meanwhile, Roy is warming up to heal Layla in the tent. Sam runs with the protestor, and in the tent, Dean shouts about the tent being on fire.

This is the sort of thing I love about Dean. He'll commit arson to save people. He's so ham-fisted yet well meaning, compassionate yet logical. Totally loveable.

Dean phones Sam and tells him, as people are leaving, that he did it, he stopped Roy. Sam looks at the protestor (and we finally get his first name! As far as I remember, anyway. He's called David) and tells him he thinks it's okay. David nods at him, then turns and gasps, because the reaper is there still, and starts to take David's life. Sam starts yelling on the phone to Dean that it hasn't worked, the reaper's still there.

It would be real easy to judge Sam for not trying to save David, but he can't see what he's fighting, and he doesn't know how to stop the reaper either. Sam's pretty helpless. More than when Dean was waiting to be carved up by a scarecrow.

Sam screams at Dean that Roy must not be controlling the thing, and Dean asks who the hell is? He looks around the now empty tent, and sees Roy's wife past the makeshift altar, reading something in a hushed whisper. He says her name quickly to Sam, and rushes across the tent. He turns her around and she stops reading, grabs the cross she wears on a necklace and stows it under her coat then screams for help. Dean steps back, looking resigned, as the sheriff grabs him and hauls him out of the tent. Meanwhile, the reaper has left David alone, and he gasps for breath. Sam helps him up.

Outside the tent, Roy's wife, Sue-Ann starts chastising Dean. "I just don't understand. After everything we've done for you, after Roy healed you. I'm just very, very disappointed, Dean." Dean just looks at her, and she tells the sheriff to let him go, she won't press charges. And then she says "The Lord will deal with him as he sees fit." She walks off and the officers threaten him if he comes around there again.

I don't get this bit. Press charges for what? Can the police do that? And do they not understand Dean has bigger issues, because Sue-Ann just promised to make Dean the next victim. Bitch.

They let him go, and he walks into Layla, who asks him how he could do that when it may be her only chance to be healed. Dean tells her he's not a healer, and she points out he healed him. Dean tells her "I know it doesn't seem fair, and I wish I could explain, but Roy is not the answer. I'm sorry." She tells him goodbye, and wishes him luck. He says the same, and under his breath he acknowledges that she deserves it more than him.

That's such a Dean trait, to think he's not worth the same as another person, that's he's worth less, somehow.

He walks past Roy and Sue-Ann talking to Layla's mother, where Roy promises a private session where he'll heal Lala. Sam is also nearby, and they both overhear before heading to the Impala. In the motel room, Sam says to Dean how Roy really believes he has the power to heal. Dean says he doesn't think Roy has any idea what his wife's doing. Sam shows him the book he found in the library, written by an old, dark priest. He tells Dean about the binding spell that traps the reaper. Sam starts listing the things required on an altar necessary for trapping a reaper, and calls it evil. Dean calls it desperate, and reminds Sam that she probably did it when Roy was dying. She started the binding spell to keep the reaper from Roy.

Sam acknowledges that she was literally cheating Death, and Dean starts wondering why she's still using the spell when Roy's alive, and Sam repeats what he said on the phone. To punish the people she thinks are immoral. Dean says "May God save us from half the people who think they're doing God's work."

I love this quote. It's so apt for so many of my experiences. There are some wonderful Christians out there, and there are some people who claim to be religious and act almost to the opposite of everything they preach. Like Sue-Ann, though not as extreme in my experience.

Sam says they need to break the binding spell, and Dean, flipping through the book, says that Sue-Ann had a Coptic cross as well. Once she dropped it, the reaper backed off. Sam asks him if they have to find the cross or destroy the altar, and Dean says, probably both, but whatever they do it has to be soon because Layla's being healed that night.

That night, they pull up to the tent, where the sheriff's car is parked outside. Sam spots Layla's car as well. Dean says if Layla had been picked instead of him she'd be healed already. Sam tells him not to say it.

This will forever interest me. For someone who refused to have a 'chick flick' moment in the pilot, Dean has a few touchy-feely moments that make Sam deeply uncomfortable. I think it's part of the warping of their relationship, where Dean's a mother as well as a brother and Sam feels especially helpless when Dean - who's provided so much for Sam since they were small - goes down these worthless routes. But Dean never had anyone to big him up, he didn't have Sam's self-confidence, he was traumatised to lose his mother and his father put upon him endlessly. He only had a handful of people, his whole life, who didn't treat him as second best. He's bound to have a complex.

Dean continues by saying if she's not healed, she'll die soon, and Sam tells him that yes, it's horrible what Layla's going through, but does someone else have to die to save her? "You said it yourself, Dean. You can't play God." They get out of the car and approach the tent, ducking in to look as Roy gathers them around. Dean asks where Sue-Ann is, and Sam says, the house. As they go, Dean tells Sam to go in, he'll catch up, as the sheriffs leave the house. Dean calls for their attention, asking if they'll put the fear of God in him as promised. They start running after him, and Sam runs up to the house, looking for somewhere to break in. The sheriff's lose Dean as Sam finds the storm doors to the basement.

Dean stands up from where he's been hiding, and a dog in a caravan starts barking like crazy, calling attention to him, and the sheriffs come running again. They miss Dean again, and walk off, missing where Dean is squatting on top of the caravan. In the basement, Sam finds the altar, which is set up with a picture of Dean printed from the CCTV camera. There's a red cross made in blood across his face, in amongst all the dark artefacts. As Sam picks the picture up, Sue-Ann tells him she gave his brother life, and she can take it away. Sam tips over the table in response, and makes for the storm doors, which she shuts from the outside, and starts telling him how the lord chose her to reward the good and punish the bad. That Dean is wicked and Layla is good and it's obvious Dean needs to die for her. Sam finds a blunt hammer and uses it to break some of the wooden panelling around the side of the house, freeing himself that way.

In the tent, Roy take's Layla's mom's hand, asking her to pray with him, and starts his healing ritual. As he does so, the lights outside near Dean begin to go off, and he turns, seeing the reaper approach. Outside the tent, Sue-Ann is clutching the cross and reciting the latin spell, trying to control the reaper. The reaper grabs Dean's head, beginning to suck the life out of him, and he collapses, yelling, as Layla kneels in the tent. Sam goes running up to Sue-Ann, grabbing the cross from her hand and throwing it to the ground, where it smashes, the blood that was inside spilling out. The reaper lets go of Dean, and inside the tent, Roy takes his hand from Layla, saying he doesn't understand. Layla says she feels no different.

Sue-Ann screeches at Sam, demanding to know what he's done, as Roy calls for her, unsure of what's happening. Sue-Ann sees the reaper outside, who smiles, and waits until she turns to run before reappearing beside her, holding her head and draining her of life. Sam watches her die, and then walks away. He meets Dean at the car and asks if he's okay. Dean tells him it was a hell of a week, before they climb back into the car. Back at the motel, Sam notices Dean moping and asks what's up. Dean asks if they did the right thing and Sam says of course. Dean says it doesn't feel like it. There's a knock at the door, which Sam goes to answer, and Layla's there. Sam lets her in, and Dean asks how she knew where they were. She says Sam called and told her Dean wanted to say goodbye. Sam lies and says he's going to get a drink.

If I know Dean like I think I know Dean, sexy time ensues.

If i know the CW like I think I know the CW, sexy times will not have screen time, we'll just have to infer it after the conversation.

Like every Dean/Cas interaction.

Layla asks where they're going next. Dean says he doesn't know, wherever the work takes them. Layla says she went back to see Roy, and Dean asks what happened. She says nothing, and Dean nods, saying sorry. Layla goes on to say that Sue-Ann died of a stroke. Dean says he heard, and Roy's a good man, he didn't deserve that. Then he says "Must be rough. To believe in something so much and have it disappoint you like that."

He's such a squishy little teddy bear!

She smiles, and asks if he wants to hear something weird. He nods, and she tells him that she's okay. That you can't just have faith when the miracles happen. You need to have it all the time. He asks her what now, and she tells him God works in mysterious ways.

Referring to their meet-cute. Awwwwwh!

She says goodbye, and he tells her he's not the praying type, but he'll pray for her. She calls that a miracle in itself before she leaves. 

And that's the end of the episode. That's gearing up for so much, because faith and a variation of Christian lore will hit big time and never leave, soon enough. And I'm so sorry that it took me forever to do!

Monday 7 July 2014

*sigh*

I've been having one of those moments, the last few days, where I feel really wearied by humanity in general. Like, I don't understand people, at all. I'm trying not to be antisocial, though I'd really like to become a hermit for a few days and pretend people don't exist, but it is freaking difficult.

So if you're wondering where I am … I'm in the online version of that box, pretty much.